oreos

so this morning i woke up drank a glass a water just like i was planning on and had my cereal and milk i even use small bowls so i dont eat as much cereal
then for lunch i had a grilled cheese and tomato soup i know its not the best for me but i did only have ONE grilled cheese and i did want another lol but i didnt and again i drank water before and during
see im tryin
then the bad when i woke up i realized there was oreo cookies
badbad bad
i ate six yes SIX
and drank milk
ok i lie started w one and tried to eat it slowly then i was like well serving size is two then i wanted milk and it just went downhill
so im bloggin it maybe if i write it down and im mad enough it wont happen again
but i will be pmsin very soon
i start my period in a little over a week
so its gonna be very hard to stick to anything
so if im gonna stick to anything it has to be my no pop
so today is just one day of my life i can make it thru and not be stupid
but still my original goal dead on
i havent had any pop
and there is some in my fridge but i havent drank it
so oh well ill be workin out tonight
allthough i wish i was like my baby
i give him an oreo and he takes a bite and feeds the dogs... bad i know but he has given them cookies before
so i give him another oreo he chews it up and spits it out
again bad but he didnt eat it
so now bag to reality
im still hungry but im just gonna go drink some water and wait it out
also tonight im gonna go work out and do spin so that will be good at least

weekends

ever notice when you arent workin or in school weekends just feel like any other day?
tomorrow is the start of my no pop
its gonna be hard but i just have to think its one small step and i can do it!
i know i know kept sayin i was doin that before but this time im determined
i really need to do something
i have been workin out for 4 weeks and dont see any difference
so im gonna try changin my diet my little baby steps
step one no pop
so lets see how this goes
everytime i want pop ill just drink a big glass of water
and everytime before i eat im gonna drink a big glass of water
hopefully that will help i dont know though
so tomorrow is the start of a fresh start hopefully
and tomorrow is the start of my new beginning im single and im gonna start acting like it
im not gonna think about how my ex is gonna feel about everything
he doesnt think of me so im gonna do the same
i just need to convince him to leave when he comes over to see the baby
its too hard otherwise
cuz we arent together i really just need to move on
do i want to? i really dont know
i love him but i just need to think of all the crap he has done
cuz trust me even though he is a good person he is a douche bag
like when i was pregnant and he left me to go out and watch the hot body contest
or when after i had our son he left that night to supposedly go home to get sleep cuz he didnt get much but instead left and watched a movie at a friends
or the other weekend when he was supposed to take the baby and he picked a fight w/ me and just left
i just have to remember the bad for now
i dont want to hate him.... i just dont want to love him anymore
its too hard
i just need to move on
i guess i need a distraction
i go and work out but i think i need to get out
like get dressed up
and go drink and dance and have fun
but i have come to realize in my age i really dont have that many friends
or close friends
once you hit a certain age friends all have their own separate lives
and you cant expect them to drop everything just cuz you are having a bad moment or week or day
i just need to get out of my slump
i need to stop wishin my ex was something he isnt and something he is never gonna be
i dont want to be alone
but i have to be
i cant stay w/ someone that doesnt want to try or appreciates me
i told him the other day you dont appreciate anything i do he tells me yes i do and im like no you dont you like it there is a difference you like all the things i do for you
i just need to stop
i need to realize i have come to the point that tryin is just exhausting
and why try when the other person isnt
i just wish i had that fairy tale ending
i wnt to be married maybe have another baby
have a house
invite ppl over for dinner
but thats not gonna happen anytime soon
i need to focus on the life i have to provide for my son
i need to focus on my workin out
and changin my eating habits to healthy
i just miss the feelin of being wanted
its hard to be alone
i dont like being single
i dont trust ppl easily
ppl lie cheat and it sucks
so guess ill be lonely for awhile
so i just need to focus on getting on w/ my life
its just hard when im tryin to move on and HE keeps coming around
i know we have a baby together but god
leave!
i love him though

drink drank drunk

i so went out last night and had a few drinks it was nice lol
i needed it
my baby has been driving me nuts
and still is lol
i got to bed around 5 i couldnt sleep and he wakes me up at 8! lol
but i still feel pretty good right now i think i drank just enough to make me feel good but not enough to be sick which im pretty happy about
so i have been workin out for 3 weeks now im also very happy about that
so my next step will be changing my eating habits
the hard part
getting the the gym is hard but my parents have been helping me a lot its nice
i just love food a lot
a lot a lot
lol
well hopefully tomorrow i will do ok

hmm

so im up
but i dont want to be and its frickin 11am
i should be up and be moving
but im trying
my son hopefully will nap so he isnt cranky
he was up for hours last night
molars i tell you suck
but all 4 are almost broken thru the skin so hopefully it gets better
i need to go work out tonight
i have been workin out every week but not as much as i should
but last week was crazy cuz of my sister coming in and teething and this week its just teething
so hopefully it will get better
i am gonna go today i dont know if im bringing chris to the babysitter or not
cuz he cried and cried.. which made me cry cuz i felt horrible lol
but its ok he will get used to it
maybe my dad will watch him well we will see

thursday thursday thursday

so today my sister is coming into town.. im so excited
and tonight im gonna work out i didnt do it tues or wed so tonight im definately doin it
all the goals i made for the week i failed so im thinkin im gonna try one goal a week lol
man i like blogging
its like acceptable talkin to myself
so i was thinkin the other day groups in facebook i would become a fan of:
1) its not talkin to myself... its thinking out loud! lol
2) im not fat.. im fluffy lol
3) im a hater lol
i had more but it was late at night
and i always seem to have the best ideas late at night
and im always the braviest about what i want to do late at night
like i swear in the middle of the night i want to get piercings(but im too scared) and tattoos(but they will hurt)
its like my normal self falls asleep and my brave self comes out
i get all these ideas in my head that keep me awake sometimes
so i know im a negative person but i really am trying harder to be positive and stuff but sometimes its just hard
i think when you havent liked yourself almost your whole life(either mentally physically whatever) its hard to be a postive person
but im gonna try harder i want to like myself
i want to feel better
i want these things so i just have to keep in mind this is my journey
and this journey big steps wont do i have to take baby steps until im strong enough to do it
like i said i wont have pop and guess what thats all i want or fast food or whatever
so no more nos
just positives like ill drink more water
so im gonna try it that way
tonight im gonna work out and its gonna be fun and ill get some of my workout challenge for the week done
im very excited about this challenge
i just need to learn how to stay positive
cuz i do have issues w/ anxiety and depression
i just have to find a way to fight it that isnt sleeping and eating
maybe working out should be my new addiction since the casino is too expensivie lol
well today is day one
i think everyday i fail im gonna go back to day one
lol
today is the first day of the rest of my life
im gonna look up some positive quotes

well then

so my parents are talkin about moving to vegas and then my other sister that is here is talkin about going to.... so what does that mean for me... i get to be all alone
i cant leave chris' dad would never let me take him out of state
and i guess that wouldnt really be fair to chris
so that means if they go i have to figure out a different plan and fast
hopefully i can still do the school thing but who knows
well this sucks