well then

so my parents are talkin about moving to vegas and then my other sister that is here is talkin about going to.... so what does that mean for me... i get to be all alone
i cant leave chris' dad would never let me take him out of state
and i guess that wouldnt really be fair to chris
so that means if they go i have to figure out a different plan and fast
hopefully i can still do the school thing but who knows
well this sucks

confused

men!
tbey are so frickin confusing but thats ok... who needs em!
lol
anyway
so tomorrow is the start of a whole new way of life
im gonna try my hardest to do well at this challenge me and my friend set up
im so excited it about it
and i felt so good last week when i went to the gym 2 days so im hopin this week to make a goal of goin 4 days its just hard though cuz my baby has a runny nose and cough so the babysitter might not watch him there
but tomorrow night im going to the gym no matter what
and yeah i bought a bed a full size just in case my baby wants to sleep w/ me
plus im 25 i really dont want to go back to a twin
so this week is exciting
i start my fitness challenge:)
i get my room finally:)
i got a bed.. no more couch:)
and my sister is coming to visit!!!!!:)
im so excited about that she is about 8 months pregnant and we are having a babyshower for her
i cant wait to see her!
so im thinking of my food goals this week
im gonna try hard to follow them
no pop... only water!
no fast food!
and to try and eat breakfast every morning
3 goals this week
so lets see how well i do!

no baby for the night

so tonight the baby is gone he is w/daddy
and im just relaxing
tomorrow time to clean out our bedroom so no more sleepin in the living room!
yea!:)
so in two days the challenge begins!
im so excited i cant wait to work out regularly and feel more energized and lose weight too!
so i bought myself a new pair of shoes $30 but they are cute and comfy and filas ive never owned a pair of those
and i bought a bag for the gym it kinda looks like a diaper bag but its cute
now i just need a water bottle and a towel
lol
and i have to go and buy some journals for me and my friends so we can keep track of our fitness goals
im just beyond excited
maybe ill try to get to the y tomorrow
im thinking about buying and mp3 player but maybe that will be later
so my job in this challenge is to think of a reward (a non food reward)
im thinkin we need one at 6 weeks if we keep up w/ it and are on target or beyond and one for the last week at 12 weeks if we reach our goal
im thinking maybe at 6 weeks a manicure and pedicure or something like that
and maybe 12 weeks a new outfit and a girls day out (maybe night if we all feel like drinking!)
i dont know i still have to run it by my friends
so in 2 days our challenge begins!
i cant wait!

thursday night

so even though my baby foils all my plans by being sick or getting me sick or being just plain cranky i was able to go work out last night.
it was great i did my friends class and then a stability ball class
and today i actually feel sore in my stomach lol
i dont think i have ever really felt my stomach muscles lol
its nice
my parents are watching my baby for me thank god for them
they help me sooooo much
and tonight they are gonna watch him again so i can do a spinning class
and im gonna talk to my friend about doing a workout challenge its gonna be great
im so excited to be workin out i need this
i want to lose weight i do but its nice to just have the energy it gives you too
i have been so blah im glad to get out and move

i think

i think w/ the way things are going w/ my ex i will be able to get over him sooner than i thought
he just wants to annoy me and make me feel bad sometimes i swear
ok so you pay child support i get that its a lot but geez you see him 1 time a week overnight and sometimes a few hours thru out the week
i love my babys dad i do
but i realize more and more that he just takes everything i do for granted
like the sunday after he drank one time he came to see my boy and he wasnt feeling good and my baby pooed(yuck stinky!) and so i changed it cuz when you want to throw up changing poop doesnt help
but this past saturday i was sick and do you think he could have stayed longer to help me
nope he got here at 6 and left at 8 cuz he had to go out and chris slept the entire time!
so he was really no help to me!
so he comes over tonight to see the baby and to borrow money from me
you think he would be a little nicer or kiss my butt a little but no he doesnt
so im thinking that there are things i want in a relationshp that he has but there are a lot of things he doesnt and he doesnt want to change or even try so why should i bother holding out thinking we might get back together
like good things he has
he is very caring he would give the shirt off his back for anyone and do anything for anyone even a stranger
he always carried my bags at the store
he would always shovel the driveway
he would always make sure the oil was changed on my car and everything was good
things i want that he doesnt want to give:
romance! just once i would like a present just because you are thinkin of me
to feel wanted... hold my hand just give me a hug for no reason something anything
a compliment w/ out being asked for it
so i have to figure out a game plan
how to get over someone that has been in my life for almost 6 years and the father of my son
he is always coming around to see chris here and there so its not like i can just no see him
i wish i could leaving someone and not seein or talkin to them is so much easier
but for so long he is the person i went to for everything
if i was happy about something he was the 1st person i told
i need to find another friend
a friend that i can just always call and text that doesnt make me feel like they are too busy or get short i hate that
i have several friends like that and its not like they are bad friends they are all very good ppl but after being talked to like that enough it just makes it hard to call just to chat
and i know getting older everyone moves on and stuff but god
i moved on i had a boyfriend w/ him wasnt perfect but i thought i could be w/ forever and look where it is now down the toilet
i just feel so lonely sometimes
i live on the couch at my mom and dads
me and my baby have no room... soon we will but its a very tiny room we have to share
and its not feasiable for me to get an apartment... i would have absolutely no money and i would have to at least have a full time job if not a full time and part time job and then i would have no time for my baby and i cant handle that
he is my world cranky teething and all
so back to my poor pathetic life lol
i have no job i will soon but that is 3 months away
no car.. well i have one but my ex is supposed to fix it and that probably isnt happening anytime soon cuz god knows if he even knows for sure what is wrong
if the part i bought doesnt work im just gonna junk it
i dont know just feel lonely i want to have someone to tell everything to to buy things for to get dressed up for to wait for them to come over and be excited
just to smile when i think about them
i want someone but i dont
there are so many lyingcheating dirt bags
i think i would really have a hard time trusting someone and trust is everything in a realtionship
plus there is my son to consider i cant just bring strange ppl in and out of his life all the time
i dont want him thinkin his mommy is a whore
and i refuse to get some disease and there are so many diseases out there
i dont know
i know i loved andy and still do but am i in love w/ him or just comfortable?
am i upset because he doesnt want to try or because im just lonely cuz he doesnt want to try
i dont know im so confused
i just want to be happy
and sometimes i really think i dont know how to do it
sometimes i think im the worst mom in the world
i just feel like he deserves so much better than me
a mom that isnt lazy and has motivation and that can give him his own room and bed
ok enough feeling sorry for myself its not getting me anywhere
i just need to think of my goals again
to work out get in shape... that will give me energy and hopefullywill bring some happiness
go back to work and school in the fall
and then get a good job and have a good life for me and my son
well gotta go to my sisters my little neice is very sick poop and puke everywhere poor baby
well until next time

my son

my son is being very bratty
he woke up throwing fits over nothing
and now he has upgraded to throwing fits over things he shouldnt be doing
god i love him but he is getting on my last nerve
takes bites of food just to spit out and feed the dog
oh well maybe tomorrow will be better

blah blah blah

so today i woke up and didnt want to be awake at all
my stomach still isnt quite right but hopefully tomorrow it will be better
i have things to do like get all the invites made for my sisters baby shower
its not too far away now
and i really want it to be nice
and i want to go to the gym if possible tomorrow
thats if my son doesnt have diarehah anymore
cuz the babysitter wont watch him w/ it and i wouldnt want to leave him w/ him feeling like crap
hopefully this week starts getting better