i think

i think w/ the way things are going w/ my ex i will be able to get over him sooner than i thought
he just wants to annoy me and make me feel bad sometimes i swear
ok so you pay child support i get that its a lot but geez you see him 1 time a week overnight and sometimes a few hours thru out the week
i love my babys dad i do
but i realize more and more that he just takes everything i do for granted
like the sunday after he drank one time he came to see my boy and he wasnt feeling good and my baby pooed(yuck stinky!) and so i changed it cuz when you want to throw up changing poop doesnt help
but this past saturday i was sick and do you think he could have stayed longer to help me
nope he got here at 6 and left at 8 cuz he had to go out and chris slept the entire time!
so he was really no help to me!
so he comes over tonight to see the baby and to borrow money from me
you think he would be a little nicer or kiss my butt a little but no he doesnt
so im thinking that there are things i want in a relationshp that he has but there are a lot of things he doesnt and he doesnt want to change or even try so why should i bother holding out thinking we might get back together
like good things he has
he is very caring he would give the shirt off his back for anyone and do anything for anyone even a stranger
he always carried my bags at the store
he would always shovel the driveway
he would always make sure the oil was changed on my car and everything was good
things i want that he doesnt want to give:
romance! just once i would like a present just because you are thinkin of me
to feel wanted... hold my hand just give me a hug for no reason something anything
a compliment w/ out being asked for it
so i have to figure out a game plan
how to get over someone that has been in my life for almost 6 years and the father of my son
he is always coming around to see chris here and there so its not like i can just no see him
i wish i could leaving someone and not seein or talkin to them is so much easier
but for so long he is the person i went to for everything
if i was happy about something he was the 1st person i told
i need to find another friend
a friend that i can just always call and text that doesnt make me feel like they are too busy or get short i hate that
i have several friends like that and its not like they are bad friends they are all very good ppl but after being talked to like that enough it just makes it hard to call just to chat
and i know getting older everyone moves on and stuff but god
i moved on i had a boyfriend w/ him wasnt perfect but i thought i could be w/ forever and look where it is now down the toilet
i just feel so lonely sometimes
i live on the couch at my mom and dads
me and my baby have no room... soon we will but its a very tiny room we have to share
and its not feasiable for me to get an apartment... i would have absolutely no money and i would have to at least have a full time job if not a full time and part time job and then i would have no time for my baby and i cant handle that
he is my world cranky teething and all
so back to my poor pathetic life lol
i have no job i will soon but that is 3 months away
no car.. well i have one but my ex is supposed to fix it and that probably isnt happening anytime soon cuz god knows if he even knows for sure what is wrong
if the part i bought doesnt work im just gonna junk it
i dont know just feel lonely i want to have someone to tell everything to to buy things for to get dressed up for to wait for them to come over and be excited
just to smile when i think about them
i want someone but i dont
there are so many lyingcheating dirt bags
i think i would really have a hard time trusting someone and trust is everything in a realtionship
plus there is my son to consider i cant just bring strange ppl in and out of his life all the time
i dont want him thinkin his mommy is a whore
and i refuse to get some disease and there are so many diseases out there
i dont know
i know i loved andy and still do but am i in love w/ him or just comfortable?
am i upset because he doesnt want to try or because im just lonely cuz he doesnt want to try
i dont know im so confused
i just want to be happy
and sometimes i really think i dont know how to do it
sometimes i think im the worst mom in the world
i just feel like he deserves so much better than me
a mom that isnt lazy and has motivation and that can give him his own room and bed
ok enough feeling sorry for myself its not getting me anywhere
i just need to think of my goals again
to work out get in shape... that will give me energy and hopefullywill bring some happiness
go back to work and school in the fall
and then get a good job and have a good life for me and my son
well gotta go to my sisters my little neice is very sick poop and puke everywhere poor baby
well until next time