confused

men!
tbey are so frickin confusing but thats ok... who needs em!
lol
anyway
so tomorrow is the start of a whole new way of life
im gonna try my hardest to do well at this challenge me and my friend set up
im so excited it about it
and i felt so good last week when i went to the gym 2 days so im hopin this week to make a goal of goin 4 days its just hard though cuz my baby has a runny nose and cough so the babysitter might not watch him there
but tomorrow night im going to the gym no matter what
and yeah i bought a bed a full size just in case my baby wants to sleep w/ me
plus im 25 i really dont want to go back to a twin
so this week is exciting
i start my fitness challenge:)
i get my room finally:)
i got a bed.. no more couch:)
and my sister is coming to visit!!!!!:)
im so excited about that she is about 8 months pregnant and we are having a babyshower for her
i cant wait to see her!
so im thinking of my food goals this week
im gonna try hard to follow them
no pop... only water!
no fast food!
and to try and eat breakfast every morning
3 goals this week
so lets see how well i do!

no baby for the night

so tonight the baby is gone he is w/daddy
and im just relaxing
tomorrow time to clean out our bedroom so no more sleepin in the living room!
yea!:)
so in two days the challenge begins!
im so excited i cant wait to work out regularly and feel more energized and lose weight too!
so i bought myself a new pair of shoes $30 but they are cute and comfy and filas ive never owned a pair of those
and i bought a bag for the gym it kinda looks like a diaper bag but its cute
now i just need a water bottle and a towel
lol
and i have to go and buy some journals for me and my friends so we can keep track of our fitness goals
im just beyond excited
maybe ill try to get to the y tomorrow
im thinking about buying and mp3 player but maybe that will be later
so my job in this challenge is to think of a reward (a non food reward)
im thinkin we need one at 6 weeks if we keep up w/ it and are on target or beyond and one for the last week at 12 weeks if we reach our goal
im thinking maybe at 6 weeks a manicure and pedicure or something like that
and maybe 12 weeks a new outfit and a girls day out (maybe night if we all feel like drinking!)
i dont know i still have to run it by my friends
so in 2 days our challenge begins!
i cant wait!

thursday night

so even though my baby foils all my plans by being sick or getting me sick or being just plain cranky i was able to go work out last night.
it was great i did my friends class and then a stability ball class
and today i actually feel sore in my stomach lol
i dont think i have ever really felt my stomach muscles lol
its nice
my parents are watching my baby for me thank god for them
they help me sooooo much
and tonight they are gonna watch him again so i can do a spinning class
and im gonna talk to my friend about doing a workout challenge its gonna be great
im so excited to be workin out i need this
i want to lose weight i do but its nice to just have the energy it gives you too
i have been so blah im glad to get out and move

i think

i think w/ the way things are going w/ my ex i will be able to get over him sooner than i thought
he just wants to annoy me and make me feel bad sometimes i swear
ok so you pay child support i get that its a lot but geez you see him 1 time a week overnight and sometimes a few hours thru out the week
i love my babys dad i do
but i realize more and more that he just takes everything i do for granted
like the sunday after he drank one time he came to see my boy and he wasnt feeling good and my baby pooed(yuck stinky!) and so i changed it cuz when you want to throw up changing poop doesnt help
but this past saturday i was sick and do you think he could have stayed longer to help me
nope he got here at 6 and left at 8 cuz he had to go out and chris slept the entire time!
so he was really no help to me!
so he comes over tonight to see the baby and to borrow money from me
you think he would be a little nicer or kiss my butt a little but no he doesnt
so im thinking that there are things i want in a relationshp that he has but there are a lot of things he doesnt and he doesnt want to change or even try so why should i bother holding out thinking we might get back together
like good things he has
he is very caring he would give the shirt off his back for anyone and do anything for anyone even a stranger
he always carried my bags at the store
he would always shovel the driveway
he would always make sure the oil was changed on my car and everything was good
things i want that he doesnt want to give:
romance! just once i would like a present just because you are thinkin of me
to feel wanted... hold my hand just give me a hug for no reason something anything
a compliment w/ out being asked for it
so i have to figure out a game plan
how to get over someone that has been in my life for almost 6 years and the father of my son
he is always coming around to see chris here and there so its not like i can just no see him
i wish i could leaving someone and not seein or talkin to them is so much easier
but for so long he is the person i went to for everything
if i was happy about something he was the 1st person i told
i need to find another friend
a friend that i can just always call and text that doesnt make me feel like they are too busy or get short i hate that
i have several friends like that and its not like they are bad friends they are all very good ppl but after being talked to like that enough it just makes it hard to call just to chat
and i know getting older everyone moves on and stuff but god
i moved on i had a boyfriend w/ him wasnt perfect but i thought i could be w/ forever and look where it is now down the toilet
i just feel so lonely sometimes
i live on the couch at my mom and dads
me and my baby have no room... soon we will but its a very tiny room we have to share
and its not feasiable for me to get an apartment... i would have absolutely no money and i would have to at least have a full time job if not a full time and part time job and then i would have no time for my baby and i cant handle that
he is my world cranky teething and all
so back to my poor pathetic life lol
i have no job i will soon but that is 3 months away
no car.. well i have one but my ex is supposed to fix it and that probably isnt happening anytime soon cuz god knows if he even knows for sure what is wrong
if the part i bought doesnt work im just gonna junk it
i dont know just feel lonely i want to have someone to tell everything to to buy things for to get dressed up for to wait for them to come over and be excited
just to smile when i think about them
i want someone but i dont
there are so many lyingcheating dirt bags
i think i would really have a hard time trusting someone and trust is everything in a realtionship
plus there is my son to consider i cant just bring strange ppl in and out of his life all the time
i dont want him thinkin his mommy is a whore
and i refuse to get some disease and there are so many diseases out there
i dont know
i know i loved andy and still do but am i in love w/ him or just comfortable?
am i upset because he doesnt want to try or because im just lonely cuz he doesnt want to try
i dont know im so confused
i just want to be happy
and sometimes i really think i dont know how to do it
sometimes i think im the worst mom in the world
i just feel like he deserves so much better than me
a mom that isnt lazy and has motivation and that can give him his own room and bed
ok enough feeling sorry for myself its not getting me anywhere
i just need to think of my goals again
to work out get in shape... that will give me energy and hopefullywill bring some happiness
go back to work and school in the fall
and then get a good job and have a good life for me and my son
well gotta go to my sisters my little neice is very sick poop and puke everywhere poor baby
well until next time

my son

my son is being very bratty
he woke up throwing fits over nothing
and now he has upgraded to throwing fits over things he shouldnt be doing
god i love him but he is getting on my last nerve
takes bites of food just to spit out and feed the dog
oh well maybe tomorrow will be better

blah blah blah

so today i woke up and didnt want to be awake at all
my stomach still isnt quite right but hopefully tomorrow it will be better
i have things to do like get all the invites made for my sisters baby shower
its not too far away now
and i really want it to be nice
and i want to go to the gym if possible tomorrow
thats if my son doesnt have diarehah anymore
cuz the babysitter wont watch him w/ it and i wouldnt want to leave him w/ him feeling like crap
hopefully this week starts getting better

today

i went to kmart and i saw a young girl putting a thong on her head
eww
who does that
yuck
i just had to share

blah

so friday night i was all excited i did my spin class
then i came home and was still excited cuz i was going out saturday night
well i went to walmart late friday night pick some things up and i get a call..... my baby is puking everywhere! yuck
so friday from about 1-6 i was gettin puked on every twenty minutes
it sucked so bad then around 8 ish my dad took the little man
and i started to get sick!
i threw up from around 10- 5 but still felt awful til the next morning
now i feel ok but not 100% my belly still is iffy
i think it might be from dry heaves
now my mom and dad are sick
so hopefully this isnt something that just keeps getting passed around
cuz i dont think i can take it
it was so awful
but now back to doin invites for my sisters baby shower

my 1st time

my first time i wanted to stop but i kept going it was very hard but i still did it
my legs hurt i was sweating and seeing myself in the mirror really didnt help any
but i kept going
i couldnt keep up but i tried to at least
my first time in spin class
and guess what even though it was hard im gonna go again next week!
because im excited i made it thru maybe not the way it should have been done i didnt do any extra i just rode my bike but i still did it
im very proud i was kinda upset about how out of shape and how hard it was for me but i will get better and hey i didnt quit
i want to do a class tomorrow but i dont know which one and plus i might be a little sore frm the class or a lot sore im not sure lol
so now onto my fun day tomorrow
i gotta pluck and stuff
and shave
and get all dolled up im going out
im gonna drink and its gonna be fun
it sucks kinda cuz i will eat all day sunday i always eat the day after i drink but monday brings a whole new week and im doin a cleanse and startin to exercise at the very least 2 days a week
and next week i need to look for a job too
workin sucks but it doesnt i need a job to make me feel useful
im tired
kinda
and its only 9:30pm lol
my baby is talkin when he should be sleeping
*warning mommy bragging*
my son is so smart he was watchin the tv(which he rarely does)
and head shoulders knees and toes came on and he watched and danced and then when it stops he says head and puts his hand on his head and then toes and puts his hands on his toes
so its head toes head toes lol
my little bratty
*end brag*
i cant wait to do spin again and other classes i need it i love it
makes me feel good to exercise

hungry

I am HUNGRY
but it is 11:30pm and i dont want to eat this late
so im tryin to just get my mind off of it by posting a blog
you see i have a cake on my kitchen table that is calling my name
it really is but im not gonna do it
i need to start taking steps more seriously like not eating after 9pm
its bad for you
so im just writing about how hungry i am and how much i really want that cake
but instead when im done w/ this im going to get up and get an 8 ounce glass of water and im goin to bed
i love sleep too you see so hopefully sleep will win
no not hopefully
i can do this
the cake is the devil and im not giving in lol
instead im gonna drink some water pee take my contacts out and go to bed
tomorrow im hopin that i can get to the y and work out maybe
maybe my babys dad will be off work early and can watch him so i can go work out
i really want to start getting active but its so hard
i really have zero motivation
so im just gonna think of my little goals just daily goals
so lets see what should tomorrows goals be
i think 3 is a good number for goals
1) eat healthy breakfast (im thinking a banana)
2) drink water (not pop)
3) NO FAST FOOD
you see im a foodie i love food but most of the time the bad stuff
but tomorrow im gonna do good
especially since this weekend i already know im gonna do bad lol
cuz im drinkin
i need it and im gonna do it
then i think starting monday
cuz sunday i need to recover
starting monday im going to do good im gonna go to gnc and get that body cleanse stuff
and im gonna work out and drink water and eat more fruits and veggies
i can do it
im strong
lol
talkin to myself again
so tomorrow
no fast food no pop and eat a healthy breakfast
and tonight get up drink some water pee go to bed
i can do this
i just keep tellin myself this and i will be able to right?
it does work right?
lol
who knows but im giving it a try
i would absolutely love to lose some weight and just feel better about myself
sometimes i dont think its possible but im gonna give it a try
so i have decided i like this blogging thing even if it is like im talkin to myself
after all i talk to myself anyway
lol
so what difference does it make
also
i need to make a to do list for next week
i need to find a job
bad i get bored being home
i feel useless
i hate that feeling it makes me want to sleep and eat lol
who am i kidding i just love food i dont need a reason to eat only that it tastes good
so my goal is to find something i love more than food
not my son though cuz i need an activity
something more active than reading
maybe it will be blogging
everytime i really want something to eat maybe i will just blog about it
maybe that will stop me
who knows
so now its time for water pee and bed lol

:)

well today has been nice
i got the leather jacket i wanted for only 30 dollars its my going out jacket
i went to the y and signed up for my membership and paid on it
i talked to the babysitter there... she seems nice and was willin to answer all my questions
still nervous about babysitting but its only gonna be a few hours a night while i work out
a little disappointed though cuz i wanted to go do spin class tomorrow but cant there are no babysitters there on friday nights!
very excited for this weekend im getting all dressed up and going out!
gonna pluck shave and girdle it up lol
my cousin is going out w/ me it should be fun
we are both recently single that part sucks being single mom is hard
i decided i wanted to go out because my ex(my babys dad) is going out this weekend for his birthday and i dont want to be sitting at home wondering what he is doing
being all jealous lol
so im going out and gonna have a good time
im very excited lol obviously
i worked out on my wii for a little bit today
so i have accomplished a few baby steps today

today

today i was depressed i just wanted to sleep... god i wish i could have just slept all day but i cant
i got up and took care of my little man
i hate depression it makes me want to sleep and if i cant sleep i want to eat bad things
and since i cant sleep because of my baby i eat
and sometimes just feel like a bad mom in general because i would rather be sleepin than doin anything else
but thank god im not one of those ppl that depression gets them so bad they cant take care of anything including their kids
i think i just need a job
i hate not working i feel useless
i cant wait until i start school again
i cant wait until i get motivation
but i just need to figure out how to get motivation
im not a motiviated person
i need motiviation badly
i want to get up early every morning and have a set schedule w/ eating and working out and things but i cant
but im hopin things change i plan on tryin to make things change
like i said before im starting w/ baby steps
after all baby steps are better than no steps right?
so my goals in the next year
save money
go to school
get active
lose 40-50 lbs
get lasik surgery
i want to start riding my bike this summer im gonna buy a baby seat for my bike or a trailer or something so my baby can come too
one lesson i have learned the past few weeks never leave your phone number w/ colleges they are like bill collectors they never leave you alone!

plans foiled

so today i was going to work out w/ my friend and i couldn't because of my darling little brat.(lol)
he was too tired to go anywhere he would have been a cranky butt and i cant have someone watching my child when he is being like that especially someone i dont know.
but anyway i still exercised i did my wii lol
not as good of exercise as working out at the y but thats ok, at least i did soomething
like i keep telling my mom i am takin steps even if they are baby steps lol
my arm is sore from bowling on the wii but thats ok i take it as a good sign that i actually moved
i called my work because i had been of the schedule for 3 weeks and i talked to the owner and she tells me no we dont need you we are too slow and i told her why didnt you tell me 3 weeks ago i could have been looking for another job. stupid stupid woman
i showered today i always love my shower love to feel so fresh and so clean clean lol
man blogging seems difficult for me and i cant seem to figure out why its not like i dont talk non stop but i guess when it comes to typing its different
maybe its because i know no one is really gonna read this and its like im talking(typing) to myself lol
or maybe its cuz i have tried journalling before and i quit lol i did like 10 pages and ripped them up cuz i was scared someone would read my thoughts lol
ive always been a quitter... i quit band( the band teacher put her mouth on my clarinet) i quit batons( i had to wear a bathing suit in public!)i quit taekwondo(why i dont know) i quit 9th grade (lol i went back though i just couldnt stand the ppl that year) i quit college( too hard ive always been the type that school came easy and i barely had to try)
but now i have a reason not to be a quitter... my son i want to be around for him so have to get in better shape and i HAVE to go to college... i want to show him that being a quitter isn't the right way to do things.
i want to show him if you work hard and are a good person that good things happen to you
i want to be the best possible mom ever even if im doin it by myself
my goals with him are simple
to love him unconditionally
to teach him to be polite
to teach him how to treat other ppl (the golden rule)
to always let him know his family is there for him no matter what
actually i lie its all complicated there is so much grey in life i dont know
but i just want him to be a well adjusted adult
i know teen years are gonna suck but hopefully it wont be too bad after all its not like ill have a teen girl(the dreaded girl lol)
my son is so amazing
he really amazes me every single day
sometimes when im feeling really bad he just looks at me and smiles and his whole face lights up and it just makes me feel better
but i will save that for another blog im gonna make a nice long one about how wonderful great and amazing my son is lol
ill put a warning mommy bragging
and mommys partial
my baby is the cutest smartest brightest ever and dont you forget it or try to argue w/ me cuz you will lose lol
but like i said im partial
my eyeball itches it sucks
i hate when that happens
i wear contacts and im blind
sad but true
i hate it one day i want lasik
but its expensive and scary
man im hungry
but i dont want to eat
cuz its not time yet
i have to make dinner for me and bratty boy but he is napping(thank god!) he is super cranky
well im going to watch private practice
i absolutely LOVE that show

random thought

i wonder if i will get followers lol
probably not!
but thats ok
i have my favorite/only one!

opposite

so i just thought maybe things i love will be easier to post
1) my son he is my world my life my heart
2) my family everyone of them are so great ( and annoying)
3) my friends( the few i have that stick around and actually call me once in a while)
4) the snow that is all fluffy like, but no wind w/ it the kind that you really dont feel that cold when you are in it and you just want to stand outside and look up
5) money.. call me greedy but i love it!
6) reading... call me nerdy i dont care!
7) romance... i wish that i had it but dont
8) watching my son and his father interact... for some reason it just makes me smile
9) just watching my son when he learns something new or does something funny
10) babies
11) pregnant bellies... i hated mine i looked fat but for some reason i think all other pregnant women look beautiful
12) applebees mashed potatoes
13) the color blue
14) getting my eyebrows waxed( i dont like the pain but i love the way they look afterwards)
15) funny movies and books
16) new socks
17) the library
18) free stuff!
19) my son... lol i know i mentioned him but because he is so important to me i HAD to mention him again lol
20) the font cooper black... weird i know but still i love it
21) calligraphy... cant do it but its so cool
22) my dog tootsie... i have no idea why i didnt think of her till now i feel like a bad person
23) texting... its bad no one ever texts me back... :(
24) not being a teenager
25) SLEEPING! had to capital cuz i really really love sleeping
now i know i love more things but cant think of any lol
and these are not in any particular order cuz im sure i love my dog more that new socks
oh and i forgot one
26) my new WII!!!!! its so fun
so i guess thats it
i always thought of my self more of a pessimist so i dont know why i have a longer love list than hate list lol
maybe im just in a good mood cuz i got my new wii

my first blog

So today 2/15/10 at 12:20am I am creating my first blog.
Im not good w/ puncation and or capitalization... i have gotten quite lazy in my old age(25 lol).
and i tend to write run on sentences but im gonna give this blogging thing a try.
so im sitting here tryin to think of what to write and im not sure
so im just gonna babble i guess till i think of something
ok maybe ill write a list of things i hate
1) ppl that spell words wrong purposely to make them look cool (ex. skool or sexii)
2) skinny jeans on boys.. or girls well skinny jeans in general
3) that mtv doesnt play music anymore... its music television not reality
4) stubbing my toe
5) paper cuts
man my list is getting stupid
i have nothing to say wow... that is crazy for me i always have something to say
so i guess for now im done
but trust me im full of hate and there are more things but for some reason i cant think of any